a temporary change of pace

This is a little deep for a blog about drinking mustard out of a glass and how I'm hair-retarded... but I have some things on my heart today- and I feel like writing them out. I live a happy life. But we all have our skeletons, our issues, our "thing" that we try to ignore and get past. Believe it or not, friends- I have them too.
And many of you will know where this is coming from, and have supported me through this dark period. A few of you, as sad as it is- have very similar issues, and I hate that you hurt like I hurt, but I value the understanding you offer me so much.
Many of the people who read this blog will be utterly confused, lol, and wonder "where did that happy, spunky blogger go?"
Oh, worry not my friends. I am still here, still happy. But I'm human, and sometimes the battles in my heart get to me. I doubt myself, I waver in my strength, and I have to give myself a little pep talk to regain my perspective!

Thank you to a wonderful woman, for giving me this quote. It touches me very much right now:

"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time."

Maya Angelou

I am a person of second chances. Third, fourth, fifth chances. So very many chances.
I have a forgiving heart. I really just want to love, and be loved in return.
I want to surround myself with family and friends, have people to call on the drop of a hat, have huge holiday parties and cook for the masses, have hundreds of people to send Christmas cards to, have people my children can count on...

Often I am right to forgive. To reconnect. Especially when a friendship is abandoned in the heat of the moment.
A long (or even not so long) history of love and companionship, gone temporarily astray, is worth fighting for.
I have learned this in recent years.
People can change, and learn from their mistakes.
Some people cannot, though, or maybe they could- but they would rather not.

But I have to learn to hold back sometimes. To protect my gentle nature. To realize that, while I always look for the good in people- sometimes I am really pushing too hard to see past a mountain of bad.
That I must take a closer look at what a person brings to my life.
Is it happiness, affection, joy, laughter, LOVE?
Or is it stress, heartache after heartache, tears, and wounds that just can't heal, or wounds that just begin to heal- only to be ripped open again and again?
Or maybe it's a combination of both- but the pendulum swings too far in the wrong direction...
Do the benefits outweigh the the price I pay, to have this person in my life? My children's lives?

I have a very open mind, and a very loving heart. Anyone who TRULY knows me, knows this to be true. I may not always be a total sweetheart, but if I love you- I love you for REAL, come hell or high water. I will protect you, stand up for you, tell you that you're stupid, or a bitch- but I love you anyway.
I will not let my pride kill a relationship. I have sent emails, made phone calls, given hugs that downright HURT in the pit of my stomach- but it had to be done.
I will take responsibility when I am wrong. I don't say a malicious words out of anger- much less out of pure meanness. You just can't take that shit back.
Once you say something, you have to stand behind it. I choose my words wisely, and often resort to NO words, because I know that I am too upset to be coherent. Or because I know, this too shall pass, and to fight is not worth the strife that will result. Oh yes- I know this. I choose my battles.
Things have been said about me, by people who profess to love me, that- I honestly wouldn't say about someone I just met. A stranger. An enemy.
It hurts, and it will hurt for life. There is no excuse for that when you are an adult. When your intent is to hurt, and then you change your mind after the fact, because you feel better, it doesn't erase the mark you left. Emotions run high, and I understand that. But if you truly care about someone- you have to have a little self control.

Love is not something you can turn off and on like a switch.
It grows over time. It can fade over time, I suppose, with enough "help."
I have honestly never stopped loving anyone in my life. If I ever cared about you, gave you a piece of my soul- you still have it. Even if we haven't spoken in years. Even if we had a falling out. Even if I can't stand to be in the same room with you. The love remains.
If a love is deep and true, and this person is essential to your being- then you fight for them. You apologize. You nurture them, chase after them, and put their needs before your own. You stand up for them- no matter who your opposition may be.
If you can honestly just STOP loving someone, then you never really loved them at all.

There are choices in life that are hard to make. Painfully hard. I struggle often with myself, with my kind heart. With my willingness to be hurt, just to make things better for other people.
But every person has their breaking point. The point when one says " enough is enough." It is time to protect what is mine. This is where I have arrived. While I am not at all happy with my choice, I am trying to find peace with it. I look at little innocent faces, and know that while they may never understand- they will be better off. Because I am better off.