confession

Sometimes this motherhood stuff is really hard.

I don't mean the stressful decisions I have to make, or the hard hitting questions that I have to answer honestly.

I mean the 24 hrs a day job. With no breaks, and often, very little help.
Cotton is around, ad he's a super dad. But we've been doing a lot of work on our house, and he is very wrapped up in that. Leaving all of the domestic duties to me.

I'm tired.
I want some space. I want some quiet. I want to have a full hour with no screaming, fighting, whining, tattling, jumping, clinging, crying, asking for a drink, asking me to change the channel, asking me to turn on the playstation, "watch this funny face," spilling things, knocking things over, asking for a bite of my lunch, and then just one more bite, squeaking balloons, flying balls, flying barbie fairies, stepping on cars, tripping over the dog, changing Lucy's clothes AGAIN, "can I hold the baby?"... and the list goes on and on... because this is my life. Every hour of my life.
I wake up when they wake up. By the time they go to bed, I can barely keep my eyes open.

And I LOVE it. God, I love it. I would not trade my chaotic, crazy, loud, busy life for anything else in the world. But a break, a wee tiny lunch break, coffee break, hell a PEE BREAK would be nice here and there.

It's not that I don't have anyone willing to help me. I do.
I never ask for help, because I'm Supermom. I never leave them unless I have to.
My "sitters" have lives of their own, after all. Children of their own.

I just plug along until I can't plug along any more. Then I make it a few more days.
And THEN, I'll catch my breath. A moms' night out, or bunko. Phew. Twice a month, I'll get just a couple of hours to be Krysta. Just Krysta. Well, Krysta and Sam's mommy- but I entered into this baby thing knowing full well that we would be attached at the nip for at least 6 months, and that I would have to nurse him to sleep every night for a year or so. I am at peace with that bit.

My night out was supposed to be tonight. But lots of things happened, and none of my lovely, beautiful, sanity-saving "sisters" could make it. Seeing the MUCH needed light at the end of the tunnel, just to have it kicked away from me at the last minute... not good for the super-frazzled momma. Oh Woe is me.
I thought "well I'll just sneak out to Target when Cotton gets home." Nope. That was another no-go.
I had to resort to a hot bath (with Sam crying in the background for the last 10 minutes, but dammitt- I HAD to get that second leg shaved!), some riesling that just didn't hit the spot, and staying up extra late for a little blog therapy.

It's been a really, really long week and a half.
I've had all the same old stressors, plus a few new ones. A couple of new mouths to feed, and watching my house being torn to bits and put back together, and also stuffed full of new clutter... just to name a few...

I love my life.
I love my children so deeply that it hurts.
When I do get away from them for about an hour, I miss them. But missing them, just a little, once in a while is good. So very good.